closing the tabs

Yesterday I submitted a university assignment that took every ounce of my self-control to sit and write, over multiple days, over multiple weeks. I was uninterested in the topic, it didn’t relate to my discipline and grinding out 2000 words felt like constant carpet burn on my brain. 
This morning I opened my laptop, and the tabs that had been open in my internet browser for the weeks it had taken me to write the paper were still open. And I got to close them.
One by one.
Each one closed and I felt lighter and freer.  
Maybe this is what it feels like to cast your cares. 

Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.*

Living carefree, worry free is a lot easier said than done.
But maybe it’s just like closing the tabs in your brain. Closing the tabs made up of worries. 
Those documents in our brains that are full of stomach-knots and insomnia. 
It feels like that’s what I’ve been doing with the worries that have been pervading my life this year – invading . Trying to strip me of my joy.

I get in my car alone and I open my brain-browser before Him. 
It’s like clicking on each tab one by one: “Hey God there’s this thing. It’s causing me to worry, but I’m letting you know about it, and I’m just going to close it down now okay?”
The next tab: “Seriously God what the heck even is this?! It makes me feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I can’t deal with it. But I know you can, so I’m going to close this one too.”
“Oooh this one’s a doozy. What are you going to do here? You promise that you’re careful with my life so I trust You enough that I’m going to shut down the worry.”

The problems don’t disappear miraculously. I wish. And sometimes the tabs re-open themselves. Or sometimes I purposely choose the ‘reopen closed tab’ option. Silly.
But something happens when I bring them to Him. Again and again.
I know He hears. And I can just let it go.
It stills my soul and brings peace to my here and now. 
Which, moment by moment, is all I really need.

xx
 

* 1 Peter 5:7 Message

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